a story (for juan)

she has been there earlier on the day, because it was an important crossroad on the way to school. she's been there in the morning, still tired and yawning. it wasn't even very cold then, the sun was shining and she felt happy about that, enjoying that every sunbeam falling on her anf bringing a very tiny feeling of warmth.

later on the day the sun set behind some nearby trees and she took a few pictures. but now the sun was gone, the sky was very dark blue. she could see the stars, while walking on the big, grey space with the high tower of the tunnel ventilator. the place was covered with cable stones arranged in circles. and it was extremely cold, because the winter came nearer and nearer every day.

she lit a cigarette back there, between the houses of the campus and bare trees but now she felt as in a different world, naked in the orange electric street lights, alone and small, walking by the tower with the red lights somewhere up in the sky between the stars.

the wind blew stronger, no wonder on the bare top of the hill. it blew stronger and she let her hair free from the scarf and let it been taken by the wind. the bus got off even before she left the campus area and she was freezing, her face and the fingertips holding the cigarette, her whole body was freezing. she took another draw and realised she was standing in the middle of one of the circles tiling the area. they could be magical circles, she thought, even without knowing of the architects holding on to exact plans.

but she forgot it quickly nad instead of that she considered the chill that seized her. after all, she thought she didn't have to feel it and she stopped wrapping herself up in the thin sweater. she stretched out her arms and felt even colder for a while but then it stopped and suddenly she felt different. not cold anymore. not even warm. it was more like emptiness, more like feeling nothing at all. she didn't care, being grateful she didn't shiver with cold anymore.

she walked slowly towards the edge of the place, where the hill began to go down and where houses and gardens were located. she saw the whole city in front of her. the lights, the streets and the signs, unknown anonymous lights in the darkness, lights with no concrete location, lights flowing around in the cold night.

she took a last pull and threw the stub on the ground.

she stretched out her arms once more. the wind blew stronger here and she felt her hair flying. suddenly she felt a strong desire for flying, too, she wanted to let her soul fly with the wind, and while she stilled stared at the city, she realised that it was slowly moving towards her.

she was flying.

she was flying without knowing how. she used to have dreams about flying but this seemed to be much more real. she asked herself how that was possible and in the moment she knew the question, she knew the answer; people could fly once. a long time ago. but flying is but a state of mind, and people exchanged it for a state of body, for comfort and sloth. they didn't want to fly anymore. they didn't need to.

she flew on and felt the air flowing around her body. she flew with all her strenght against the wind. and she went on and on.

she flew and the city wasn't a city anymore, it was a beast, a wild creature, never sleeping, full of movement and change. she flew and she saw every detail, cars, buses, trams, people on the pavements, rushing somewhere or walking slowly, alone or in pairs and she could even see their hearts. and they were cold as the weather, as the upcoming winter, in their warm bodies she saw cold beating hearts. she was stroken by this perception, she staggered and nearly fell down.

but she flew on and saw walls and stairs, parks and trees and playgrounds. she flew lower and followed the river, crossed the bridges and watched the illuminated riverbanks. she flew on and on and she felt uncomfortable about the freeze of the city. it was much worse than the cold she felt back there on the hill. she flew on and saw that every wall was too high, every door was too closed, every park was too sterile, every pain was too deep. on and on.

she landed on the high tower of the tv and radio transmitter and looked around. nothing changed, nothing got warmer. nothing could ease her pain. she hugged one of the big black plastic children placed on the tower to make it look more friendly, more human. it didn't, though.

she hugged it and seemed to hear its whisper, but it might as well been only an illusion. and it goes on like this, every night, she heard in her head. during the day you can't see it, because the sunlight shines right into the hearts of people and leaves no place for the darkness. but then, the night comes. and the darkness.

she knew it was true. she knew she couldn't change it. she decided to fly back to the campus, but her foot slipped and she fell down. while falling, she heard another whisper in her head telling her not to let darkness drag her down. she was closer to the ground every second but her body didn't hit the black street down there.

her body lying there by the ventilator tower with red lights on its top twitched, her eyes blinked and her frozen lips moved a bit.

someone handed her a cup of hot tea.